Zombie Shirts, The Walking Dead, T-Shirts
“Get out of the Backyard and Run for Your Lives Already!”
Remember back when you were a little kid and your mom used to say to you “It’s such a nice day, you should be outside playing?” And you were like, “aw Mom, it’s Saturday and cartoons are still on, I don’t go outside till “Soul Train” comes on.” And then the next thing you remember is regaining consciousness flat on your back on the front lawn? Yea me too, but even my mom after watching this season of “Walking Dead” would say enough is enough already!
I am not a fan of the Horror sub genera, Survival Horror; ultimately I find it sorta sad and depressing. No matter how much action and adventure Hollywood crams into one of these flicks, in the end, everybody dies. I’m not sad because characters die, that happens all the time. I’m sad because even if they die a brave, noble and heroic death, in the end all the struggle and hardship they endured, all the harrowing near misses and death-defying escapes were all for nothing. That, in my humble opinion, is a big waste of my time, I’m talking full blown, adult male, mastodon huge. Tusks and all.
The first season of “The Walking Dead” I found to be “watchable;” the show was entertaining, occasionally approaching enjoyable but if I was doing something else or forgot to watch the newest episode I was not disappointed or compelled to rectify the situation in a timely fashion. I place it on par with Local News, the sort that loops every fifteen minutes.
I know the show is based on a graphic novel and I know that they have been “off” said comic since the first episode but I do not care about that. I am not reading the comic, I am watching the show. And I am only watching the show because I glean a huge amount of entertainment making fun of how awful it is for the rest of the week. I especially enjoy when a fan of the show tries to defend it.
For two or three seasons now (they all blend together after they stroll out of Atlanta) I have been hollering at my TV for Rick to lead his band of dysfunctional whiners out of Hershel’s backyard. They need to get on with whatever it is that they were going to do before they got there. They have already destroyed his bubble of artificial happiness, deflowered his daughter, killed Otis their skilled hunter and woodsman, and run off the dozen or so folks who were living there when they arrived. Where did all of Hershel’s people go? Are they with T-Dog? (btw, T-Dog as the name implies, is the black guy of Rick’s group. If he gets to be in the episode at all, he is says things like “Look, over there” while pointing dramatically. If he gets screen time, it happens only once per episode.) They did not even consult T-Dog when they were trying to decide if they should kill Randall, the survivor they rescued from the Dave and Tony Gang assault. Not even good old moralist Dale sought out T-Dog’s opinion.
Then I figured it out, I know what happened. After they left the suburbs of Atlanta and hit the Gwinnett County line some thirty five miles away I knew. It came to me in a divine rushing whirlwind of information and knowledge. I know why Rick and his hanger-ons are staying in Hershel’s back yard, content never to leave but rather wax philosophical all the live long day. No, it’s not because all of their special effects money was diverted to “Mad Men” (although it was).
It’s the barn.
Yes, that’s right, the barn. It’s 100% zombie safe. Zombies cannot get in or out of it. When zombies are inside they are more or less tame and docile walking around in circles content to split a chicken among them. When the barn door is opened they march out in an orderly single-file line, clam, and growling with their inside voice. It’s almost as if they are somehow channeling their first grade teacher’s voice as she explained the rules of Fire safety Week and how to conduct themselves during a fire drill. That barn is like Superman’s rickety wooden Barn of Solicitude. I suspect a zombified wooly mammoth could not knock it down. Hershel’s extra barn is the exact opposite of the house from the “Amityville Horror” (1979, 2005). The demon possessed house with its bleeding walls and swarms of flies would scream at the family “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!” Whereas the barn in Hershel’s back yard is more like the “Big Lebowski” (1998) saying “I’m the barn, so that’s what you can call me. That, or his barnness … barner … or el barnerino, if, you know, you’re not into the whole brevity thing. But, ya know, chill out, kick back, relax or whatever.”
ARRG! If I wanted to watch a weekly drama about a bunch of unlikable, fickle, people hanging out in the middle of nowhere actually doing nothing so completely and thoroughly I would watch “American Idol” or “Friends” or even “Pretty Little Liars.” In fact, the next available Sunday on your calendar at nine o’clock, let’s all switch over to “Family Guy,” “Desperate Housewives,” or even “Undercover Boss.” Better yet, let’s all read the graphic novel of “The Walking Dead.”
Read, that’ll teach ’em!
Al O. Gonzaga
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